1001 Errors in the Christian Bible

Matthew

Frumkenstein

Author's note - this story may be too scary for some readers. It is best
read at night by the light of the computer monitor with all of the lights
turned off and the children already in bed. It is best accompanied by
one glass of very red wine.

At a secret laboratory far beneath the Trump Tower in Manhattan an old
man has just come in from the pouring rain. The laboratory is filled with
test tubes, beakers, wires, medical apparatus and two large operating
tables. On each operating table is a body covered by a sheet with many
connections running between the bodies and the medical apparatus.

Dr. Frumkenstein :
Oy vay. Could you have found a more dangerous
neighborhood? I had to run here from the subway
in the rain and lightning. Between the muggers and
the schvartzes. Then I'm reminded once a month of
the biggest goniff of all when I write my rent check.
Is everything ready Igor?

Igor Stravinsky :
Yes Maestro. Can I leave now for my concert
performance?

Dr. Frumkenstein :
It's master Igor and you know you are not a concert
violinist. The psychiatrist said you are just faking so
stop trying to get workmen's comp disability. And
stop slouching, you're going to hurt your back.

Igor Stravinsky :
Yes Maestro.

Dr. Frumkenstein : (Sighs)
My mother was right, I should have gone into
dermatology. No one ever dies, plus they never get
better. Alright, Igor, we are ready to begin. On one
table I have the Reform Jew, NMB67. Her conscience
is fabulously well developed but her faith leaves a
little to be desired. On the other table I have Torah9,
the Orthodox Jew. She has a marvelous faith but her
conscience is a little lacking. If I can successfully
combine the conscience of NMB67 with the faith of
Torah9, perhaps I can put an end to fighting between
different Jewish denominations. Alright Igor, throw
the master switch.

Igor Stravinsky :
Not the master switch, Maestro?

Dr. Frumkenstein :
Yes, the master switch, Igor, and don't call me
Maestro!

Igor Stravinsky :
Yes, Maestro! (Igor throws the switch).

There is a blinding flash of light and then a thunderous boom followed
by total darkness and silence. The lights and power slowly come back
on and Igor starts saying "I hurt my back throwing the switch, I hurt my
back throwing the switch!". Igor becomes quiet when he and Dr.
Frumkenstein notice a gradually increasing groaning coming from the
operating table.

The Monster slowly moves from a reclining position to a sitting position
and slowly and very carefully looks around the room.

The Monster :
Oh, Ooh, Oooh! Can we talk, can we talk? I mean my g-d,
you call that a mikvah? I wouldn't get in there even if Mel
Gibson and Brad Pitt were skinny dipping. I mean come on,
there's no heater, no wading pool and the tiles don't match.
And those towels, they're skinnier than Liz Taylor's
wedding ring finger. Also, the drapes don't go with
anything, I mean who was your interior decorator, Stevie
Wonder? (Sticks her finger in her mouth) Ah, ahh, ahhh!

Dr. Frumkenstein :
Well, I guess it's back to the davening board.

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