1001 Errors in the Christian Bible

Matthew

The Case Of The Unidentified Servant

From The Memoirs Of Sherlock Holmes

Ah, I remember it well, my most difficult case. It was three o-clock in the
morning and Mrs. Hudson was still puttering about in the kitchen while I,
was busy playing Mumbleepeg, with the cat. Pfft-tingg, MEOW!!! Oops,
sorry cat. Two out of three? When the phone rang.

Holmes: Hello…yes I am…I see.

My laundry was ready.

Later that morning I received an urgent message from Scotland Yard as
follows:

"My dear Mr. Sherlock Holmes, Her Majesty wishes to know as soon as
possible who exactly is the "suffering servant" described by the Hebrew
prophet, Isaiah, in Chapter 53 of the writings bearing the same name. The
Bishop of Bristles tells her its Jesus, the Cantor of Canterbury tells her its
the Jews and her personal servant tells her its him. She still remembers the
fine job you did for her during "The Affair Of The Missing Watch" when
you deduced that if you keep looking and looking for something and you
just can't seem to find it anywhere, it probably means that it's lost.
Anyway, she insisted that you be given this assignment. God/Jews/Personal
Servant? Save The Queen!

Sincerely, Lord Benjamin Disraeli, Her Majesty's Minister of Religion (Mrs.)"

I immediately called up my associate and trusted friend, Dr. Watson.

Holmes: Come here immediately Watson, the game is afoot.

Watson: Should I bring my revolver?

Holmes: I think not Watson. This case involves Jews. Leave your revolver at home. Bring bagels.

Watson arrives toting a large bag with an assortment of bagels. As they
start to munch on their bagels Holmes fills in Watson on the case.

Holmes: In order to properly understand what the Hebrew prophet Isaiah
was saying, we must first learn to understand the language that
he wrote in, Hebrew. That is the key to this case. I have made
arrangements with my good friend, Dr. Sigmund Freud, of
Vienna, to not only teach us Hebrew through correspondence but
also, through Freud's psychological training, to help us to
understand the meaning of what Isaiah wrote within the context
of the other sixty-six chapters. We should be receiving our first
correspondence lesson from Dr. Freud by the end of the week.

Watson: Brilliant Holmes. Do you foresee any problems?

Holmes: Just one Watson. Your breath, it's ghastly! Didn't anyone ever
tell you that garlic bagels were only meant to be eaten when
dining alone?

Watson: Sorry Holmes.

Holmes: (Grabs bag of bagels from Watson) Perhaps I can find a more
suitable choice. (Digs through bag and finds onion bagel) No
(tosses bagel across the room. Continues search and finds
jalapeno bagel) Egads! (Jalapeno bagel meets same fate as
onion bagel. Gets to bottom of bag and sees poppyseed bagel)
Hullo. (takes out bagel an stuffs it into Watson's mouth).

Watson: (muffled) thpfnkyfu.

Holmes: You're welcome.

Later that week they receive their first correspondence lesson from Freud:

"My dear Sherlock Holmes. Greetings. Our lesson for today is the Hebrew
word "Shalom" which means "hello". Repeat after me, "Shalom".

Sincerely, Dr. Sigmund Freud"

Holmes: Hmm. This may take a bit longer than I had originally anticipated
Watson. (They stare at each other for a few seconds, then at the
letter, then at each other and say simultaneously, "Shalom".

(Seven years later.)

Holmes: Alright Watson, I believe that we are now sufficiently proficient
In Hebrew so as to begin our analysis of the text. I have made
arrangements to borrow this ancient manuscript of Isaiah from
The British National Museum which is written in the original
Hebrew. That way we won't have to worry about any biases that
an interpreter may have had. Now, Watson, where should we
start?

Watson: At the beginning?

Holmes: Exactly. And what is the first Chapter?

Watson: Chapter one?

Holmes: Precisely! (Holmes takes a magnifying glass to the beginning of
"Isaiah").

Watson: Holmes, I have an idea.

Holmes: What is it Watson?

Watson: Well, seeing as we are looking for the identity of the servant in
Chapter 53 and the name of the writing is "Isaiah". Could the name
"Isaiah" possibly be a clue in some way as to the identity of the
servant?

Holmes: Could be Watson. Could be. Hypothesis number 1, Isaiah is in
some capacity the servant described in Chapter 53. Good work
Watson.

Watson: (blushing) Thanks Holmes.

Holmes: Now, let us proceed with our search of the actual text.

(Continued on the next page)

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