1001 Errors in the Christian Bible

Mark

Why Not Me As Messiah?

So as to further my ambition of being hailed as the Messiah, I urge you to
consider the following:

Why not hail me as your messiah? Well, why not? Consider my qualifications:

1. I definitely exist, so you who would worship me during my life (I do not
claim to be immortal) need not waste time debating my existence.

2. I can predict many things about the future. All of my prophecies about
the past (the fall of the USSR, the fall of Constantine's city to the Turk,
the Gulf war, the stock market, the Yankees victory, the last twenty winning
lottery numbers etc.) have come true, and none of my public prophecies has
been shown to be false. I can tell you exactly when the next solar eclipse
will be, and can foretell the fall of leaves from trees. So why not me as
your messiah?

3. My motives are pure. I won't make you do stuff you do not want to do, I
will not make you feel bad and, if you are reasonably young, female and very
attractive, I might even make you feel good about worshiping me. And I
promise you won't end up in a burning building on the prairie somewhere, or
on a mountain top surrounded by federal agents. Your worship of me will
never be worthy of note on the pages of our tabloid press. So why not me as
your messiah?

4. I am a good role model, as I do not smoke anything, am kind to children,
domesticated animals and obey all laws pertaining to currency transactions,
firearms, and so forth.

5. I am well spoken and well spoken of. Indeed, you would be proud to have
me as your messiah, no matter your pre-existing religious orientation. The
worship of me as your messiah is perfectly compatible with all known standard
religions of amenable people. Nothing to apologize for here!

6. I am not the devil, so by worshipping me, those who worship me would be
at no risk of inadvertantly worshipping the devil.

7. I can turn flour into bread and use it to feed humanity. I can walk on
very cold water.

8. Suppose that I am the messiah and I posit that the only way to get to
heaven after you die is to worship me in life. Further suppose that either
the statement is true or there is no afterlife. If you worship me and there
is no afterlife, well, nothing lost there, right? But suppose I am the
messiah, and you have not hailed me as such? Where does that leave you?
Exactly! Why take such a risk?

9. If a real messiah shows up, I'll hail him as such and quietly get out of
the way.

10. So come on, worship me! I call upon all beautiful young
women (of legal age, of course) to e-mail me with all sorts of personal
information so we can get this Messiah adoration project underway. I tell you
the truth, I promise you won't be sorry - honest!!!

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